it’s all a circle

i’m really just my second grade self

The first activity I remember truly loving was reading. I was a late bloomer when it came to reading. In Kindergarten I was never successfully able to learn simple reading, so in 1st grade, I was put in an after-school reading assistance class. The class was taught by Ms.Reid, no pun intended. Ms.Reid thought my issue was my effort, and she was right. She pushed me to try harder but I never truly cared enough about reading to put in the effort. I used to tell my Mom I’d be a Taxi Driver when I grew up because they don't need to know how to read. She pointed out there are street signs; I didn't have a response. I finally did start putting in effort, and after that, it clicked. What made me start putting in effort? My first crush, a fellow reading class classmate. Anyway, after reading became easy I fell in love. I remember binging Harry Potter in second grade and rushing to the library every time the next Percy Jackson book was released.

Sometime during middle school I stopped reading for joy. It wasn’t an explicit decision, I just had other priorities - Quik Stop runs, video games, texting, and water polo. Then I went to High School and everything was just college apps. I did follow interests, but it wasn’t as pure or joyful. I started college during covid so at this point I should have had a chance to explore new hobbies, but I fell back into what I knew best at the time, studying. Then I graduated college and started working. At first, I worked long hours and spent time outside of work hanging out with friends. But over time, like most people in corporates, I was less driven to work a lot.

I tried reading again, but it was hard to get into books. It didn’t feel like it used to, where I was encaptivated and sucked into the book. I remember staying up late to finish a book, a level of interest that now feels so foreign. So I turned to the easiest way one can fill time, the devil, TikTok. I’d fill my alone hours with brain rot instead of doing things that actually gave me energy. I knew this was the case the whole time, but it felt so hard to do anything else.

Then in June of this past year, I was on the phone with Bicoastal coauthor Raj. I had been wanting to start writing and Raj did as well. So we started this blog. Having the consistency of this blog, while I haven’t been that consistent, changed my relationship with writing. At first, it was very hard to write. I second-guessed every line and was often paralyzed with doubt. But as time went on, and I put more reps in, it felt more natural. I don’t think I’m that much of a better writer now than I was when we started, but I’m much more comfortable. I’ve come to really enjoy writing, which was quite surprising to me given that growing up I hated it. But being consistent allowed me the time to get comfortable, find my voice, and love the process.

Because I started writing on substack, I started reading a lot of substack as well. I’d never read much online content before and found the pieces on here to be quite refreshing. I came across an article recommending Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. So I got the book from the library. And my god, I was sucked in. Curled up on my couch with the book and a record playing - pure bliss. The book was written so beautifully it opened my mind in a way I hadn’t experienced from a book. While reading this book I was parallely working on a new product, and the book inspired much of the product experience I ended up creating.

I used to think spending time reading, writing, and playing was extracurricular. Good for you, but not the focus. If I was going to read a book I’d read a “productive” business book or mindset book. But I forgot why I enjoyed reading books. To explore different worlds and thoughts. To learn about myself through the stories of others.

I’m catching up on lost time and am reading Never Let Me Go, The Catcher in the Rye, The Ethics of Ambiguity… I have a long list, recommendations are appreciated :)

-Ajay