Turning Lemons into Lemonade

Worst 'First Date' Ever

Our emotions are nothing more than chemicals being released in our brain. We’ve all experienced ups and downs which can be simplified to the titration of certain molecules in our nervous system. The magnitude of the emotions we feel can be non-linear with what’s actually happening.

I met this comedian girl some time ago, she was new to the Bay Area, and we started talking at an open mic. I’d look forward to going to that one mic that we met at, just in the off chance that I’d get to exchange a couple sentences with her at the bar. We eventually saw more and more of each other and became friends.

I started to have feelings for her, and finally worked up the courage to ask her to grab a drink on the weekend. I had a plan for how I was gonna do it, I would go up to her when she was writing jokes alone at the bar, like she does every Wednesday. If my endeavour went south, the only audience member would be the uninterested bartender.

“Hey! How’s it going?

“Good”

“We should, hang out, maybe grab drink Friday night?”, I suggested.

“Yeah, I’m down!”, she respond.

“Cool Cool”, I responded nonchalantly (My heart was beating out of my chest).

“I should probably get your number then?”, I said.

“Oh yeah duh, here you go”, she said as she pulled out her phone.

The day rolled around, I put on my favorite collared shirt and brushed the cobwebs off the bottle of cologne I’d gotten as a gift years ago and spritzed my self a few times.

We were at a hip bar and it was awkward at first, we usually hang out in a group, this is the first time we hung out alone. “

I’m not even sure if this is a date, maybe she just thinks of me as a friend?” I think to myself.

A few drinks later the conversation between her and I was flowing like melted chocolate; as she laughed at my jokes I realized how close together we were sitting, how pretty she was, and how my brain was twitching with a slurry of serotonin and dopamine. She put her hand on top of mine, squeezed it, and said she’s gonna run to the bathroom. I could have fainted in that moment, I felt so good.

“It’s definitely a date”, I think to myself.

I gulped down my beer and made friends with the guys next to me. We got a round together, then got another, then another. Eventually, I flipped my wrist and peeked at my watch. A different chemical was released this time (cortisol), as I realized she’d been gone for quite long. I started to worry and was concerned for her safety. I swiveled my head left and right trying to spot her silky brown hair, hazel eyes, and knitted green sweater amongst the crowd. I finally saw her– but she was talking to another guy.

My brain swiftly drained the dopamine and serotonin, replacing it with more of that bitter cortisol. This new chemical didn’t feel so good, and to make matters worse my high blood alcohol concentration was somehow amplifying my emotions. Maybe he’s just a creep that’s bothering her, I thought to myself. Just as I finish my thought I saw her smiling– now laughing at whatever this guy, who is almost foot taller than me, is saying. Now her hand is on his chest and his arm around her waist.

That unpleasant chemical from earlier is arriving to my grey matter in truckloads, my heart is beating faster and I’m losing my composure. I jerk my head in a different direction to save whatever is left of my self esteem. It hasn’t even been a half hour, and my brain has ceased to produce that euphoric mixture of dopamine and serotonin. Now, it’s this molasses of cortisol that’s making me queasy. I reach for my beer, ignoring the obvious repercussions of more alcohol in my system.

She comes back after what feels like an eternity.

“Hey sorry I’ve been gone for so long. That guy is really cute, do you wanna come hang with him and his friends?”, she naively asks.

“Uh, I’d love to but I’m feeling kind of sick. Do you think it’s alright if I head home?” I asked.

“Yeah of course, don’t worry about me, I’ll make sure to get home safe”, she replied and quickly scurried away.

“It’s fine, she’s not my girlfriend”, I try to reassure myself.

“She can talk to whoever she wants”

“And this is definitely not a date”

I wake up the next morning with a massive headache. I wanted to lay in bed and feel bad for myself, eat a greasy breakfast, and doom scroll. It can be weirdly comforting to complain about a bad hand the universe has dealt you. Unfortunately I don’t have time for that this morning as I’d promised my friend that we’d go on a long run.

I put on my running shorts and ran through Golden Gate Park, knowing I could channel my sadness into something productive. As we were running, endorphins rushed through my body, and every time I thought about the night prior I found myself running faster.

My legs and lungs hurt, but in a much more pleasant way than my brain did last night. It was a weird hack, like I could just channel my emotions into this run. It felt good, because it made me feel like I had power over my emotions; I didn’t have to let my sadness win, I could just convert how I was feeling into adrenaline.

I almost passed out. I ran 15 miles at a pace faster than I’d ever run before, while hungover, dehydrated, and under-rested. All by leveraging some stupid emotions from the night before.

I came home, sat on my living room table, and realized something. The shoes on my feet, the clothes on my back, and every other tool at my disposal are rounding errors when compared to those pesky chemicals in my brain.

I realized that if our brain has a strong enough will to do something, it’ll whip our bodies into compliance.

-Raj

"Percocets, molly, Percocets,

Chase a check, never chase a b****." - Future